In the Midst

You Wouldn't Understand

... the feeling I'm feeling. It's a depressed, fatigued, hopeless, clean feeling. It doesn't really make any sense to me either, I just know what it feels like.

I know why I feel this way, but I don't know why that reason is making me feel this strongly about it. I don't know why my eyes suddenly filled up with tears and I don't know why the water wouldn't stop coming. I'm not even sad really.

I hope things work themselves out. They usually do.

About A Man... Who Turned Out To Be Just A Boy

As I slowly unpack boxes crowding my doorway, my mind seems to be traveling a time portal back to years before I snatched my life back. Oddly enough, last night I had a dream about this boy/man and then I found this the very next day! Coincidence? Not always...

Untitled

circa 2005

I love you, I loved you, but not anymore.

I need you, I left you, standing by the door.

I was on fire, You burnt me, gave me reason to bleed.

I'm tearing apart, I'm already torn, I'm everything you'd ever need.

But you didn't realize this, did you? Not Yet.

Not until I walked away, that's when you knew. I Bet.

You knew I was dying, I was already dead.

But you kept faking, putting those silly love thoughts inside my head.

I was a dreamer, I guess I still am.

Now that I have drempt you away is when you decide to give a damn.

Oh how now you think that I was the one.

Did you think I'd come back? After you did what was done?

Sure sometimes I wish time would recede.

 Go back to when you, me, and the sea was all I'd ever need.

Now there is nothing left. The music we made - now lays deaf.

And now you know I was meant to stay.

But I'm going, I'm gone, I'm the one who already got away.

Now you know what my "doodles" amounted to.

- Anbir circa 2007, sanity grasped.

Ay Carrumba!

     Yesterday and today were very busy day. Yesterday was just busy, today was stressful AND gay... as well as busy.

      Well yesterday I got up as usual at 7:30am and got ready. I tried to do my hair different like this article I read in Cosmo but it didn't come out like the picture (my hair's too short!) but I loved it otherwise. On Tuesdays I have Effective Speaking and this week I had to give an informative speech. I decided to go with a heavier topic because all my former speeches had been more fun and safe so this time I wanted to shake it up as well as bring attention to a topic that needs MORE attention. The people before me gave lovely little speeches about how fattening McDonalds is and how subliminal messaging can be found in things all around us. Then it was my turn. I got up taped 3 pictures to the podium, and began my speech on Sexual Abuse of Children. The first picture was of a Hispanic male who was convicted of kidnapping 7 children under the age of 12 who he would brutally rape before he would let them go days later. The second, an African American male convicted of leading a ring of child sex trafficking and child pornography. The third was my former stepfather. I lead a strong speech up until the end where I got a little teary eyed. The audience responded well to my topic, giving me a standing ovation, and a few watery eyed hugs. During our class critique one girl even said that I was "Hands down the best speaker in class." That made me feel so good... I don't know how else to describe it. After class I had 6 girls come to me saying they had experienced some form of sexual abuse and that my speech helped them feel not so alone. One girl said that she hadn't even told anyone about her abuse (from a family member too) but was now considering it. If I had that much of an impact on a class of 30 how many people could I help if I spoke to a larger group? This is something I will think about more when I have the money to do something about it. I shall make an organization!

       After Speech, I had Industry Sewing where I learned that I topstiched the seam allowence on my bodice the wrong way thus I had to rip out each seam ONE by ONE to not damage my fabric. Then I proceeded to sew three 2nd year pockets PERFECTLY as well as trace some pattern pieces I need for some special seam samples I am missing. I ended up staying an hour and a half after school (that means 5:30!) tracing the rest of the pattern for my dress and interfacing. I got home at 6, said "Fuck my homework, I'm watching Law and Order!" So I did. Then I ate dinner with my grandparents, got in bed at 9, read, and was asleep by 10. Wonderful wonderful.

      Today was a different story. What I forgot to mention about my previous nights reading session was the part where I was RUDELY intteruppted by a HUGE mosquito hovering over my lamp. My bedroom door was closed and the thought of spending the night with this vampirous animal less than a foot above my head didn't sound so appealing. "How can I kill the leech without moving from this exact position in my bed?" I had the answer. I got my magazine, rolled it up baseball bat style and smacked the mosquito as hard as I could sending it toward the wall where it bounced off with a very vengeful sounding BZZZH! and flew to the other side of the room. Not wanting to move from my postioning of comfort, I resolved that I would sleep with the duvet over my head that night. Good plan. Woke up... got ready... looking good... WAIT. What. is. THAT?????? SONOFABITCH. That little bastard of an animal bit the fuck out of my neck leaving a huge bite right where everyone could see! AND IT WAS ITCHY! And I'm sorry to say that was not the worst part of my morning. It went something like this...

  1. Left the house 15 minutes late and went to Starbucks.

  2. Starbucks decided to act like a gateway to Hell with a line of 30 or so people so I left coffee-less (already late remember?)

3. Realized I forgot my textbooks and homework at home and had to go back.

4. Scratched the front bumper of my mom's car on the carport wall as I backed out of the driveway in my rush of terror. (SH not telling her [it's small-ish] and it won't happen again especially to you Ninny)

5. Got cut off and swallowed a chunk of banana hole thus choking on it for the next 5 minutes.

6. Traffic to school was heavier than normal which I delightfully found out was because the street I take to my school was closed.

7. Had to find alternate route while maunvering through waving and whistling Mexicans.

8. No parking.

     School was usual... found out I have a 97% in my Textile Science class which is (so I've heard haha) the hardest class of first term. Sat next to Eduardo (not sure on his sexual orientation) and had a nice conversation. The end of class he asked me if I wanted to get together and study for next weeks exam. TO BE CONTINUED.... GAY OR NOT? Stay tuned!

    Academic coaching was nice. Been getting in and out more quickly. Jim said I looked less tired today. Maybe it was my night of good sleep (that or the lack of blood to my face).

So now I'm here in Murrieta babysitting the children for the night. We are going shopping for my mother's Christmas present and then I have to find someway to cram 10 hours of sketching homework into a 3 hour span. We shall see if I live to see tomorrow. Got to jumpstart the bandwagon and get going now though.

PEACE.

PS: Did I mention the its my anniversary today? 19 months... <3

A Night At The Roxbury

    It's been a few days, I've been quite busy really. Here is a day to day account of whats been going on (that I can remember) since I last wrote:

          Wednesday -  I had Textile Science, took a test, and got it corrected. I got a B! I got back last weeks test too and I also got a B! Take that Jim Swainger! So I guess Eduardo is permanently going to sit by me now. That's cool. I really like him and he's way better than that weird Mexican chick or BearGirl (formerly known as CatGirl, no I do not have random half animal/half person people running around my campus). After school Nicole and I went to MainPlace so I could pick up a few things and OMG I forgot Nicole almost died! I'm not going to tell the story ONCE AGAIN because it gets quite annoying telling it so many times.  That night Nicole and I went to The Roxy in West Hollywood for a Valiant Show which was cool but short. I only went because Tom wanted was going to be there but he didn't end up showing until the band went on which sucked but whatever. What really sucked is that he drove Elyse and she was bitching the whole time about how she wanted to go home. It also sucked because when Tom went off for one of his "business talks" Nicole and I went to the car for my jacket and while we were in the parking garage I was bitching about how he's involved with all this drug stuff and how much I hate it and how I don't know how much longer I can take it when Stephen walks past us from his car... so I feel kind of bad but not that he heard me saying that stuff when its his fault in the first place. On the way home Nicole and I got lost in the ghetto and it was pretty freaky but we made it out safely and unshot.

            Thursday - I woke up so late, like 12:45, and I still had sooooo much homework to do! I was so stressed out because it's not just homework that you can rush through - it takes time. So I finally finished which left me literally 7 minutes to get out of my pajamas, do something with my hair, and make myself decent looking with makeup. Surprisingly I did it in 12 minutes! Then I seriously drove so fast to school, I STILL don't know how I got there so quick I had 15 minutes to spare! Usually if I left at the time I did I would have gotten there 20 minutes late! So I don't know how that shit worked out but I think God slowed down the clock or something... So, with my 15 minutes, I went to Starbucks and they ran out of my coffee again so I got an Americano for free! Awesome! After school I went home for dinner, packed up my stuff, and headed toward Murrieta. As soon as I hit the smoke I felt wrong. It smelled so familiar but I couldn't place it. Then as I was flipping through my radio station I stopped on the song "What a Wonderful World" and I started crying. I remembered the times at the cabin in Big Bear and Ashley being sick and sneaking out so early in the morning and building a fort out of sticks and pinecones. I remember Nick getting sap all over is hand and clothes and how mad Mom and Bryan got. Mom made the breakfast, Bryan made the fire and Ash, Nick, and I made the Snowman to hold down the fort while we were gone at breakfast. I also remember the bad things that happened on those snow trips. And thats what made me cry. I had to pullover on the freeway for 5 minutes because I was crying so hard I couldn't see. I haven't been able to pull myself out of this withdrawn feeling since this night.

            Friday -  Alana, Tom, and I saw SAW III at midnight and it was really graphic and bloody. I felt so sick and my body hurt so bad I wanted to go home so bad. So I did and slept and woke up and just hung out with Tom all day pretty much. While he was at work Alana and I got our nails done and it felt nice to get it done when I haven't in so long. After Tom got off work, actually after he got done doing whatever it is that he does, he called me and we rented Click. I seriously love that movie. I cry everytime.

   So now it's Saturday and Alana's working so it looks like I'm going to have a "free day" to get my homework done. That will be nice so that I can relax on Halloween. I'm so excited! But I got to go meet Alana for lunch now so later skaters.